5 Ways to have more Friends in Midlife
We have been building the Life After Kids community for almost a year now and there’s something we keep hearing over and over again when it comes to things that are especially difficult in Midlife.
“Why is it so hard to find quality friendships with women who share my interests over 40?”
It’s already a lonely time for many of us. Our kids are inching out of the nest and we’re finding ourselves with more free time than ever! Many of us had formed friendships with our kids’ parents and now that sports and kids activities have dwindled we might find that we don’t have as much in common anymore. Couple this with coming off of a few years of forced isolation and humans all over the planet are finding that social connections aren’t happening as naturally as they once did for many of us.
Here’s why this is such a problem. As humans we are hard-wired for love and connection with other humans- we actually NEED closeness and proximity to people to be truly healthy.
On average, people with more social relationships tend to live longer and research suggests that the relationship is super strong- comparing even to such risk factors as smoking or lack of exercise!
If having good friendships can literally save your life, how do we go about making more friends and finding women to connect to and do life with when it is so difficult at this stage of life?
JOIN A GROUP THAT MEETS IN A REGULAR RHYTHM- Joining a group such as a running group, small church group, networking group or even a regularly meeting yoga or gym class can prime the pump when it comes to finding new friends. The key is the regular meeting as studies in this area also show that people tend to naturally like others who they perceive are in the same community and they have regular exposure to. This is one of the best ways to find the opportunities you need to establish new connections.
PRACTICE SHARED VULNERABILITY- When it comes to meeting new people some people get very uncomfortable, overshare or feel overwhelmed by the prospect of unveiling themselves to somebody new. Inviting shared vulnerability means that you’re actively earning another’s trust by consistently being attentive, curious and a compassionate listener. It means you’re as interested in the other person’s story as you are with sharing your own. This is why it’s also a mistake to rely heavily on work connections for relationships. It can be super difficult to practice shared vulnerability in that environment because of the perceived need to maintain professional barriers.
MAKE THE FIRST MOVE- When it comes to making new connections with people we admire, it can be intimidating to make the first move. One of the easiest ways I’ve found to make a move (without seeming desperate!) is to approach someone you’re interested in getting to know more by stating “I love to invite other cool women that I admire to have coffee from time to time. Would you be interested in getting together to do that?” I think most women shy away from the making the first move out of fear of rejection. At this stage in our life we’ve got to separate the personal from the realities of life. The reality is not everyone is going to like us or want to be our friend. But the way I see it, it’s a numbers game. The more exposure and chances you take the more likely you are to find people who want to share time with you.
RECONNECT WITH OLD FRIENDS- Old friends that you’ve lost touch with can be some of the most rewarding friendships in Midlife. They’ve known you the longest and in many cases they share pivotal experiences of childhood- things that happened to make you who you are today. College buddies? Childhood playmates? High school friends? Don’t let distance deter you, either. Although for health purposes it’s better to be together face to face, technology can be a good bridge to help build relationships to the point where you might decide to get together and reconnect in person. Some of my best friends live in all corners of the country and I live smack in the middle.
BE THE FRIEND YOU WISH TO HAVE- Change starts with you, friend. Are you healthy in the areas you need to be to attract the kind of friends that you wish to have? Do you like yourself or love yourself? Would you want to hang around with you? Time is one of our limited resources and put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you are a bag o’ problems you are not going to be very successful at making new friends because it’s going to be hard for you to be there for others in the way that you need to be. Pick one or 2 areas of your life where change must happen for you to be a happier, healthier and more fulfilled version of you. Life After Kids has so many resources to help you find your way whether it comes to finding purpose, having more physical vitality, emotional resilience or inner and outer beauty to help you look and feel your best.
Women friendships can be so fulfilling when everything falls into place. You’ll laugh more, feel more, love more and be less lonely with the right friends. Keep the hope that your best friends are right around the corner, you just need to do some work to find them :)
xo,
Dr. Lynne