One Great Way to Connect with Your Older Kids
As much as I lament my kids getting older, especially around the holiday season, I’ll admit that I do see many benefits to saying goodbye to the tender years of youth. Let’s take a moment to remind ourselves that each phase of life has its own set of positives. For example, I love the fact that I don’t get periodically startled awake in the middle of the night by a stubborn little one who doesn’t want to sleep on their own. I’m also not sad that I can go to the bathroom in peace any time I choose without having to worry about screaming toddlers hunting me down, (unless of course you count my two dogs who will squeeze themselves into a tiny bathroom just to be close to me). Also, I can now go out with my husband or my girlfriends without worrying about a babysitter being available and with no concern that my child will still be up in bed, over exhausted and miserable waiting for me to come home. Plus, I don’t have to worry about early morning wake up calls the next day. And how about the luxury of having a family meal in the house or at a restaurant with grown kids.
Honestly, what a difference 10-15 years makes. I am aware of this fact, especially during the holiday season. When we sit down for a meal, I don’t have to cut up anybody’s food. My only focus is my own food and I actually enjoy it before it gets cold. Plus, I’m never in a full-on sweat worrying about what the tables full of people in our immediate vicinity are thinking about my child who’s in the middle of a monumental tantrum. (Once when my oldest was little, a couple sitting next to us asked to be seated in a different part of the restaurant- true story.) I don’t have to pick food up off the floor or toys that have been flung. I don’t have to stop talking and eating to run somebody to the bathroom. And I am over-joyed not having to plead with a little person to finish the food on their plate!
See, I told you there are many benefits to kids growing up, sometimes we just need to gently (or boldy) remind ourselves that this new phase of life does indeed have a lot of perks. Case in point, I relish having family meals together now that my kids are older. Gathering around the dinner table is the perfect time to check in with them and talk about what’s happening in their life. Some of our best laughs and most memorable conversations have happened around the dinner table. And, now that my first son is in college, a family meal together is even more special. Not just because it doesn’t happen as frequently anymore, but also because he’s so grateful for a home cooked meal. I was absolutely over the moon when Anthony text me a few days before he was coming home for Thanksgiving break and asked me if I could make salmon, Brussel sprouts, and roasted potatoes (his favorite meal) for a family Friday night dinner. I was even more excited when he said his girlfriend was coming too. Acts of service happen to be my love language so you can imagine how I jumped at the chance to make my boy his favorite meal.
As silly as it may seem, I’ll never forget the preparation of that meal and eating dinner with the kids. The kitchen was a buzz with laughter and conversation as I flitted around prepping the food. At one point as I was seasoning the fish, I looked over to the end of the kitchen island and watched my oldest two boys sitting together at the counter, catching up and chatting away. In that moment, I realized life doesn’t get any better. I thought to myself, “I have all I need right here in this moment in my slightly dated kitchen of over 14 years!” Eventually meal preparation gave way to laughter, reminiscing, and serious talk about college classes and career options as we ate our meal together. It was a far cry from the days of rushing through a meal before anyone could have a meltdown. I just love having adult kids and the grown-up conversations I get to have with them. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting to know them all over again. And much of that happens during mealtimes.
I’ve always been fond of family meals, but now that my kids are growing up, with one in college, and another leaving next year, they’re even more valuable to me. And the other day, I heard a discussion from Shawn Stevenson of The Model Health Show that gave me even more appreciation for a family meal. In this episode, Shawn talked about the relationship between the family meal and mental health. Here’s what was discussed…
Oxytocin is known to be “the love and connection hormone”. It’s the hormone that is released in the body when a mother breast feeds her child. This hormone is also released anytime you connect with someone through a hug, a smile, or even a good conversation. It goes without saying that oxytocin is released during a family meal, because of the connections being made. What you may not know is that oxytocin, when released in the body, reduces the level of cortisol in your blood stream. This is a very good thing, because cortisol is our stress hormone and too much of it causes hormone imbalance, difficulty sleeping, and anxiety. Dr. Lynne and I discussed oxytocin and the importance of connection for emotional health in midlife on a previous episode of The Life after Kids Podcast, you can listen to it here.
When you’re gathered around the table for a family meal, it puts you in a state of “rest and digest.” The parasympathetic part of your nervous system (which is the opposite of “fight or flight”) takes over. You soon begin to relax and slow down, enjoying your food more, which helps with digestion and relaxation.
The connection around the family table with your family- locking eyes with each other, no devices being used, just good conversation sprinkled with laughter- is one of the best ways to give yourself a good boost of positivity. It’s sure to pull you out of a negative mindset when you need it.
Wow! All that just from having a meal with your family! It makes me look at cooking in a whole new light. But, if you’re not into cooking, or just too tired to be bothered, go out to a restaurant or order take out, there’s no shame in it! The meal doesn’t have to be home cooked to be meaningful and impactful. Now, maybe you’re thinking, I love to have a family meal, but it can be difficult to get my kids off their devices and even harder to get them talking. Have no fear, I’ve got a solution. Whenever I want to get my kids talking, spark a deeper conversation, or even get some laughter going, I start a question game. It’s super simple. One person asks a question, and each person goes around the table to answer it. Usually, I’ll have a question prepared ahead of time, things like “what is your best memory from childhood”, or “if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be”.
Likewise, each special occasion through the course of a year has its own set of questions. On birthdays, we take a moment to go around the table and share one thing we love about the birthday person and one of our favorite memories with them. At Thanksgiving, you guessed it, we all share something we’re grateful for. During Christmas and New Years, we take time during a meal to share our favorite memory from the year and our number one goal or something we’re looking forward to in the year ahead. If you really want to get the conversation going and get to know your kids on a deeper level without having to come up with the talking points, try Family Table Topics. My family loves these conversation starters. I keep the cube of cards on the dining room table, and we pull a few cards out at almost all our special occasions. One of the funniest memories is from a Christmas Eve dinner when the question going around the table was “if you were a dog what would your name be”, and my husband’s 98-year-old grandmother said “Spike”. The kids were a little younger then and we all found it hilarious. It will always be one of our family’s fondest memories of Mimi.
Some of my greatest joys in life come from the simplest things. The older me and my kids get, the more I am aware of this important fact. My biggest smiles, my happiest moments, my hardiest laughter come from ordinary moments with my family, very often in my own home. Mealtimes together happen to be one of them. I’ll admit, I’m not all that sad about saying goodbye to the chaotic meals when my kids were little, and I often found myself anxiously shoveling cold food into my mouth just so I could start bath and bedtime. However, I do so look forward to the days, in the future when, God willing, I sit down to big family meals that are chaotic once again because they include grandkids! I do believe that in those moments what I found stress provoking when my own kids were little will be humorous since time and experience will have taught me not to take life so seriously. In essence, the things we thought were so big and so stressful are minor in the bigger scope of life. Not to mention, it just all goes by so dang fast! I’ll leave you with the wise words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Make sure you stop and look around every once in a while, with a family meal, so you don’t miss it.